Analysing the UK Eurovision entry at The Stage

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Throughout the week in Oslo at Eurovision I’ve been doing an article a day for the Stage newspaper. The final piece was a look at the United Kingdom at Eurovision, and while some of it was a look back to the mistakes of 2010, it was mostly about looking forward and asking what now.

In brief…

  1. Decide if you [the BBC] want to try again.
  2. Look in the mirror and say “the problem is us”.
  3. We failed because the song we put on stage was rubbish.
  4. Don’t coast to a song, make a decision and be proactive.
  5. Realise you are starting from scratch.

All these points are expanded in the article, which you can read here, and do make sure to read the comments as well – they’re all constructive and I hope someone is paying attention at the BBC.

So what to do? Well here are five suggestions, some of my own, some from the comments to the above article or other opinions on the web. Yes they’re a bit out there, but ay of them would make a credible entry in 2011 for the BBC and the United Kingdom at Eurovision.

Stop trying to be scrupulously fair

It’s not cricket, it’s not a level playing field. Use the BBC to the advantage of the BBC to your advantage. Use Radio 1 and Radio 2 to promote the song, leverage the World Service, make the singers, composers, lyricists and producers feel wanted. Make sure you all fly together (all in business or all in economy, don’t abandon anyone in the back) to every event. Get on all the other National Finals. Basically be sneaky and use your position in culture for once.

Yes, realistically I know this couldn’t happen, but it’s amazing how much co-operation the BBC can do when it wants to (eg the death of a member of the Royal Family, pushing David Tennant on every show at Christmas, etc) but it can do it when it wants to.

Give Motorhead £250,000 and get a song

…or any other band with European appeal. Roy Delaney mentioned this in the comments, but I’ve long said that Def Leppard would be a great fit for Eurovision. Get a huge band that can cope with an arena, that has a fanbase around Europe that can be tapped into for voting, and realise that by always getting into the Saturday night final we can take risks.

Lemmy… douze points… it would be fantastic. Mind you, is there enough JD & Coke in Germany to keep him fully fuelled?

Ask West End Eurovision

Eurovision is about the song, and the performance. each year all the West End Shows choose an old Eurovision Song to sing in a charity one-off show that’s essentially Eurovision on the West End. I’m sure there are composers out there who can work on a modern song, and then you can get a theatre group to do it all for you.

if you insist on a National Final to be fair, then just air a special West End Eurovision show and choose the theatre company that ways – and you can carry on promoting musicals just like you don’t do now with “Dorothy”…

Jools Holland and his European Rhythm and Blues Band

Delaney again, with the simple suggestion of “…hang about – why don’t we just send Jools Holland rattling out a bit of boogie woogie on the old Joanna?” No complaints from me if that happens

Send Elvis McGonnagall with Roland Rivron on Bongos

Go nuts. Go absolutely nuts. Send six Ukuleles, send some Beatnik hipster, send… send Elvis McGonnagall to read a poem with Roland Rivron providing musical accompaniment on a set of Bongos just to satisfy the rules and see what happens…

Just do something and don’t coast into doing exactly the same thing as we have for the last few years.